As I stood at the bottom of the stairs absolutely terrified, looking onto the stage that I was about to walk across in the tiniest (but most beautiful) bikini I’ve ever worn, I had flashbacks of the moments and choices that led me to this one.

I could not have in a million years fathomed the courage it took to go through with it, but that was the whole point. As far back as I can remember I was the girl with the pretty face, the girl who would always rather stay home than be seen in a bathing suit. Someone who was never able to see what other people saw when they looked at me.

At 18, I was discovered while at the bank by a top model agent in Toronto, with dreams of making it big I became so obsessed with my appearance and my weight that I actively damaged my body physically and mentally and was left with an eating disorder. I had taken advantage of the body I had been so blessed with, and pushed away the people who cared about me the most… I was lucky that those very same people, saved me from myself. I was tiny at 5’9 weighing only 108lbs. Without going into further details surrounding that dark time in my life I was fortunate to make it out and began to heal.

In the years that followed, my weight fluctuated a lot! I became an emotional eater and sabotaged myself out of fear that I was not capable of real happiness and the instilled belief that I was never going to be good enough. I tried everything you can think of to get back into shape but it never left me feeling satisfied. I would idolize the women on the fitness magazines as they were promoting health and inspiring people. With all the destructive choices I had made I thought this would be the best way for me to change my life, and hopefully someone else’s too.

It’s hard in today’s world with all the different pressures we face, there is so much emphasis on physical appearance and it too often leaves us all feeling a little discouraged and inadequate. After years of trying to accomplish the goals I had set out for myself, I was heavier than ever. It was as if I didn’t want to succeed because I was so afraid to let myself be vulnerable and uncomfortable. I woke up one day feeling so sad and so unhealthy I made a commitment that no matter what it took I was going to make these dreams a reality. I would do something that for me was so scary it seemed near impossible, but the most important part was that I promised myself to do it in a healthy way, in a kind and loving way, and regardless of the outcome I would not sacrifice the values I had gained from my past experiences.

It took me about 8 months of hard work, making mistakes, wavering determination, early mornings, uncertainty, loneliness, a lot of sweat and some tears to get to that place at the bottom of those stairs and even though I was not nearly as conditioned as the other girls backstage I knew how far I had come and that this was the first step of many in becoming a better version of myself. Someone who is willing to take chances, to fight for her happiness and who feels the fear and will just do it anyways. There was no more settling for mediocrity.

I cannot put into words how terrifying it was walking out in front of all of those people (luckily without falling) while having the most vulnerable feelings I have ever experienced. Though, what was even more powerful was when the fear changed to empowerment. Everyone was cheering for me!?. I was in that moment so proud of myself, and with a renewed spirit and self worth I was forever changed. Shaking uncontrollably, I walked off that stage with my 4th place medal and sobbed the happiest tears I’ve ever had fall from my face. With those tears left so much pain and guilt and fear of failure and complacency because I DID IT. Of course, I could not have been as brave without my supportive family and friends, and my coach Alicia, who really was my rock on the hardest of days.

The show was followed with an overwhelming outpour of support and praise from friends and strangers who told me I was their inspiration and that they wanted to do what I did. As a result, I was even asked to go to high schools and speak to young men and woman about body image and self love, which is the next step on this journey. I truly believe things happen exactly when and how they are supposed to. If I hadn’t had to overcome so many obstacles I would never be so passionate about continuing this journey to inspire people, and to be inspired.

I have learned a valuable lesson, that we are all unique and can turn our story and our pain into the power to create change in each other’s lives, even if it’s small. This is only the beginning for me. I am taking this new found zest for life and inspiration to the next level, and hopefully can continue to touch people’s lives throughout the process. The next challenge is in progress, as am I. In the words of Brené Brown, owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do. I totally understand this now.

Thank you all so much for your kindness and unwavering faith in me. I am living proof that anything is possible, and now that I realize (Im)possible the best is yet to come.

Ash XO

As I watched the 11^th inning home run that sent the Blue Jays soaring into the playoffs I was hit by a hard wave of emotion. I felt as if I had witnessed a miracle, a team that had persevered for 22 years determined to make it to the playoffs just made it happen, for the second year in a row. This truly was #ourmoment and it reminded me that anything (and maybe everything) is possible when you want it bad enough. We can learn so much about life from sports and this moment was no exception. As a wild card myself I thought, with that same perseverance and determination not only could I make it to the playoffs but I could also win the World Series (hypothetically speaking, of course).

I have always dreamed of becoming a fitness model and competing. I want to work hard and know how it feels to live at my full potential. I am proud to say I am finally putting action behind these words, and although I realize the road ahead will be treacherous at times, I welcome the challenge and most importantly – I am ready. In the words of Les Brown, you don’t get what you want in life. You get who you are and I am going to let this experience not only build my character, but reveal it.

I admit, fitness is that one thing I’ve always obsessed over in both healthy and unhealthy ways. There is nothing on the planet that can make me feel the way I do after a good sweat. If you ask those closest to me, they will support the theory that my mood and actions are in direct relation to my consistency in the gym . Fitness has become that one thing I feel so passionately about that I cannot make it through the day without it consuming my thoughts, and that is too special to be ignored. I have made a commitment to follow my dreams and with a brave heart I will embrace every single second of it.

This moment and what I am going to do with it is something I hope will one day inspire other people. Inspire them to love and trust themselves enough to become the best version of themselves. Inspire them to let go of fear and excuses to reach for what they thought was not attainable, and have what they thought they were never worthy of. Inspire them to value themselves and find strength and motivation in the fact that they too are truly are capable of greatness.

I am overflowing with this inspiration I wish to share because I finally realize – I DO love and trust myself unconditionally, I AM worthy and I WILL achieve greatness. Why? Well, simply because I am me and that is the only person I really want to be. Every peak and valley I have experienced has led me to this exact moment and I am forever grateful for each and every one.

So here I am, setting my intentions and sending them into the universe. I have learned positive affirmations and focusing on what you want is far more effective than focusing on what no longer serves you, and I am so excited to put this mindset to work. This is a very exciting chapter in my life and I hope you will follow my journey as I do my best to knock this one out of the park, in a bikini.

Ash XO

To be continued…

Virginia was my father’s mother. She truly was a beautiful woman with a kind soul. I never had the chance to tell her how she changed me and how she continues to inspire me. I have decided it is never too late.

Nana,

I always wished I could have been there to say goodbye. To hold your hand and tell you I loved you. It was something I had a hard time forgiving myself for even though I knew you had already forgiven me. I believe things happen the way they are supposed to. You are given only what you can handle and I just wasn’t ready to see you go, selfishly I needed you… but you had already given me all I needed.

You taught me math. You taught me spelling. You taught me how to tie my shoes and how to make potato pancakes. You took me on trips and to the grocery store. You taught me selflessness and compassion. You lived your life doing everything for other people, always making sure everyone was taken care of and my biggest wish is that you would have put you on that list.

When I think about you these days, with admiration in my heart, I see your strength where I used to see weakness. I see your loyalty and your courage where I used to see fear. You were a great mother, to many more than your own children, and that was your purpose. We are all better for having you touch our lives.

I didn’t have the easiest of childhoods. I actually believe a lot of it was quite damaging, in some ways beyond repair, and that’s okay. I have accepted that we all have our own battles and hardships, it is if (or how) we choose to surrender to those circumstances which truly defines us, reveals our character and ultimately brings us closer to our true self. You were always there for me as a solid consistent foundation. You showed me how to forgive, reminded me that everyone is capable of good, that people deserve love and sometimes just need someone to believe in them in order for them to become the person you know they can be.

I watched you do things to avoid conflict. You were a pleaser. You would say what people needed to hear to feel content and you did it in a way only you could do, never with ill intentions. Your advice was “take care of you first” but you never embodied it. I am certain the things you could have accomplished would have amazed people, but you never took the chance. This is reality for a lot of people. Afraid to change or to ruffle any feathers, they stay in the comfort zone which they have so carefully padded to ensure it feels safe and warm.

Somebody who was fortunate enough to know you recently said to me… “Ashley, you are Virginia.” It brought me to tears. I was so appreciative of such a compliment and then it hit me. He was right. Although we are very different, we are also very much the same. I (like you) am afraid. Afraid to truly become that person you knew I could be. So. My promise to you, is to do those things that scare me, to fight for my happiness, to ruffle the feathers, and not to step, but to dive out of that comfortable safe place that has held me prisoner for so long. My promise to myself, is to never forget all of those lessons you taught me while I do.

I love you and miss you every day, thank you for believing in me.

Ashley xo